Thursday, September 17, 2009

Harper Declares Cocaine Legal

OTTAWA – Canada’s New Government moved an emergency Criminal Code & Controlled Substances amendment in the House today to immediately and retroactively make possession of small amounts of cocaine legal.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper declared it open season on Columbian marching powder north of the 49th parallel, retroactive to September 10.

“In today’s tough economic times, we need to be flexible in seeking solutions,” Harper said. “This portion of Canada’s economic action plan is to take luxury recreational drugs out of the hands of drug dealers and put them into the hand of drug companies and discerning consumers.

“It’s to allow individualized stimulus and infrastructure development – the best kind.”

The government also indicated that installing mirrors on coffee tables will qualify for the recently-passed home renovation tax credit, and struggling danceclubs may claim a tax credit for installation of new mirrored bathroom counters.

"This is a blow against liberal nanny-state interventionists and recession-mongers nationwide," Harper declared.

Justice Minister Rob Nicholson, whose department drafted the bill over a “late night of Risk,” added that former MPs and businessmen alike have been suffering from issues such as reclining gumlines, gastrointestinal leakage, and complications of the septum due to varying degrees of coke quality in Canada.

“This is a huge step forward for the nation’s blow,” he said.

Nicholson also made it very clear that the legality of the eight ball in question would be dependant on the drug being in the businessman-friendly powder version, and sourced exclusively from Defense Department-approved Autodefensas Unidas de Colombia organizations.

“We’ll weigh it, tax it, and most importantly, standardize it, so that Canadians can take heart in knowing that their schney is as pure as the driven snow,” Nicholson said.

In an unrelated development, Nicholson also moved an amendment to the criminal code to allow impaired drivers the opportunity to bust lines in order to sober up.

“It’s a well-known fact that a few fat rails cancels out a few beers,” he said. “Hell, I probably drive better when I can’t feel my teeth.”

Cocaine in hardened, crystallized form, known as ‘crack’ will “absolutely not” be made legal, the Minister added.

“A little blow never hurt anybody, but anything that’s popular in the inner city is subversive – and right out.”

When pressed about the apparent time overlap between the new bill's reach and the news about the arrest of former Conservative MP Rahim Jaffer last weekend, the Minister's aides brought the scrum to an end and Nicholson was led to the bathroom.




- the AREC.


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